Over the past few months I noticed how easily irritated I had been getting, causing me to cut a lot of people out of my life (the amount of numbers I have blocked recently is wild smh). So I decided to take time to think about this and questioned why my mental health is getting worse all of a sudden.
I’ve realized I have spent to much time relying on other people to make me happy. I just got out of a not-so-great relationship that limited a lot of great things in my life but also left me with a limited amount of trust in people. So I decided I need to fully focus on myself, in order to be the best person I can be.
I’ve had a lot of great people enter my life and just as many leave recently, mostly do to me pushing them away. Why? Not because my “fall back” game is strong, I think I’m afraid of people treating me right and having good friendships and I don’t know how to react to that, so I look for reasons to cut people off and fight with people.
As we all probably know. No where near a good coping skill, at all.
It took someone who put so much effort into being my friend saying “do you not believe me” and me saying “nah” when they’ve given me no reason to not believe them to realize I’m not okay.
So what is the importance of self care?
I was in a bullshit relationship for about 2 years. I have so much love for my ex honestly. He’s cool. But our relationship was not good to me at all and in all honestly messed me up real bad. And you know what I did to cope with everything? I suppressed it.
I suppressed everything then thrived for awhile, even got back together with him (lmao) and I was doing good, or at least I thought I was but in reality is was holding even more things in.
So here I am. Still suppressing everything in my life BUT NOW everything I didn’t handle in the first place is coming up again.
If I would have taken care of myself and didn’t pretend I was okay all the time, I wouldn’t be suffering now. If I addressed my unloyal relationship and friendships, I wouldn’t push people away that want the best for me.
So what now?
I focus on myself.
I never gave myself time to be selfish or say no to anyone, leaving me too busy and a lot of overlapped plans. I’m taking a break from that. I’m focusing on school. My sorority. Blogging. And mostly myself. I’m going to reflect on the things I’ve suppressed because I want to better myself. I don’t want to be scared of having friends or having people care about me anymore. 90% of the people I pushed away I honestly do want in my life, so my end goal is to rebuild relationships, but my main focus right now is taking care of myself first.